I Took Silicon Valley Smart Drugs And Created A $5 Billion Company
By Harrison Lee / PostGradProblems.com
[Editor's note: Sarcasm ahead... please don't send us angry hate mail.]
It all started on one rainy morning. I had slept through my alarm, remembered I didn’t have any clean and pressed slacks, pretended a cup of coffee was breakfast, and noticed I had a flat tire on my ’03 Toyota Camry.
It wasn’t the start I needed for a big presentation that morning. While I felt refreshed from sleeping in, I also felt hurried, anxious, and downright stressed. The meeting couldn’t have gone worse and we didn’t land the client. I was not doing business. Later that week, I decided to hit the web to see what kind of edge I could find. That’s when I found them: the Silicon Valley “Super Smart Drugs.”
Nootropics, or racetams, are what they really are. Apparently, these things are like Adderall for closers. I strived to be a closer and if I could pop one of these babies each morning and bring my company that much more business, it’s a win-win. But what I got exceeded my expectations so much more than I ever thought possible. After ordering a bottle of Piracetam, Aniracetam, and Choline, the package came 3-5 business days later and my life changed the instant I opened the box. Being the efficient, order-oriented person, I waited until the next morning to try it out.
In the morning, I popped one of each pills and headed to work a brand new man. I expected to spend the day crunching numbers, making business calls, and closing deals. Instead, what happened was ideas started popping into my head. Not just any ideas, new business ideas. I started to wonder if maybe these drugs were actually psychedelic drugs and I needed to return them. I powered through, though, and took my second dosage at around three in the afternoon to get over the second-half hump. But these ideas still kept coming, until one idea really stuck out: a mother fucking compression company.
As soon as I hit the front door of my rundown apartment, I opened up my laptop and things just started happening. I had never put together a business plan before, but all of a sudden my hands were typing faster than I had ever seen them before. Words were being put to paper. Ideas were happening. I popped another pill. Sleep could wait. My eyes were fixated on that screen. After what seemed like 30 doses, next thing I know, I’m fucking coding. Coding! I have never taking a computer science course in my life but tags were flying around; it was like I was a natural. This is when I knew I was taking some sort of magical drug. So I ordered some more and decided to take a break so I could go to my real job, only to find something frightening.
I had looked at my phone, and, to my horror, discovered that I had been working, coding, and creating this business for two months straight. My phone had thousands of unsettling texts from my boss. I was no longer employed. Nor had I had any real food outside of Sun Chips and Monsters. Where did time go? What was I supposed to do? Take more drugs, duh.
Just by taking the drugs, I now had investors banging down my door offering me millions of dollars just to be a part of my new compression company that I called PipelineDreams. I had no idea how they knew such about me, but that’s what comes with the drugs. Within months of consistently taking these drugs, I had already generated $500M in revenue and hired over 100 employees. It was all a blur, like a night out in college rolled into six months of doing business. That’s when I was approached by Microsoft to be acquired for $5B. My mother was worried these drugs were consuming my life, so I accepted the offer at her request.
I’m now living in a condo in downtown Dallas, driving a Tesla, and don’t have to worry about work. All thanks to the Smart Drugs..
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